Jasmine Fayeghi Schnurstein, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Clinical Director of the Child and Adolescent Treatment Clinic
Parenting is hard. All children are different and there is no “right” way to parent all children. However, there are some parenting skills and techniques that tend to go a long way when it comes to shaping child behaviors. Here at The Evidence Based Practice of Nevada, developing parenting skills is almost always a part of treatment for a child. Parent Management Training is a type of therapy that works with parents in changing their responses to their child’s behavior. The one thing I work with parents on the most is catching their children being good!
Positive reinforcement, praise, and attention are the best ways to shape behavior. Attending to your child’s desired behaviors will help those behaviors increase in frequency. As parents, it is very easy to get caught up in attending to the undesired behaviors. “Johnny, leave your sister alone. Don’t touch that! Just sit down. Stop whining.” This is normal. We all do it. What we know about praise is that for every one (1) correction or “negative” children need to hear five (5) positives just to balance it out. Some children need even more than that. Children need to be caught being good more (way more) than they need to be caught being “bad.”
So how do we do it? As a parent you are probably already praising your children in one way or another. Keep doing that! Children generally like this type of praise and you probably feel pretty good providing the praise. To use praise to develop and reinforce a desired behavior, you need to start by identifying what that behavior looks like (i.e. picking up toys when you ask, setting the table, sharing with a sibling etc.). Once you pick the behavior, try to praise that every time it happens. When you praise, be enthusiastic and genuine in your tone and facial expression. Also, state specifically what the child did that is being praised, and finish it off with a gentle touch or nonverbal sign of approval. Praise works best if it comes right after the desired behavior. It would sound something like, “That’s great, Suzy! You picked up your toys right when I asked! Way to go (smile and high five)!”
Tips for catching kids being good:
Be genuine and enthusiastic
Be specific about what you are praising
Add a gentle touch or nonverbal sign of approval
Provide the praise as close to the desired behavior as possible
Identify behaviors beforehand and then catch them being good every time you notice
5 to 1 ratio (more for some kids)
Try not to make it about you (it makes me happy) or about them (you are a good/bad girl); Make it about the behavior!
Avoid backhanded praise “wish you would always do it this way…”
To use more specific praise in your parenting, start by identifying one or two behaviors you’d like to see happen more, and then each time they engage in those behaviors provide praise. Also try praising in small increments. For example, if you are trying to shape hard work for one hour on homework, you’ll likely have to start praising smaller amounts of time first to shape the behavior.
Praise works for older children too. Teenagers need to hear what they are doing well more than they need to hear what they are not doing well. Even if they shrug the praise off or give you an eye-roll, it is important for them to hear the praise, as well!
Parenting is hard. You are doing a great job! You’ve got this!
References
Barkley, R. A. (2013). Defiant children: A clinician's manual for assessment and parent training (3rd ed.). Guilford Press
Kazdin, A. E. (2013). The everyday parenting toolkit. Mariner Books.
Kazdin, A. E. (2005). Parent management training: Treatment for oppositional, aggressive, and antisocial behavior in children and adolescents. Oxford University Press.