Whitney Owens, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Owner, The Evidence Based Practice of Nevada
Even if you’ve never experienced difficulty with your mental health, this past year has presented challenges that even the most psychologically healthy people have struggled to contend with. What many people are facing, given the public health crisis, limited social interactions, and current political divisiveness, is grief. Grief seems like too small a word to capture the enormity of what many are experiencing. We have all lost so much over the past year, and the losses continue to accumulate.
With the pandemic, many of us have lost consistent socialization with our loved ones, friends, and coworkers. Even if we are socializing to an extent, we may carry an extra layer of anxiety or worry about contracting the coronavirus or passing it along to others. This is an experience of grief coming from a loss of freedom of full enjoyment without worry or guilt. Additionally, we may experience the grief of a loss of some of these relationships, or a diminishing of the closeness that we once had due to distance or difficulty in connecting with those we love. Of course, many of us may also be experience the very real grief of losing loved ones to COVID-19.
With the political divisiveness we are facing in our country, we may also experience grief on many levels. For some, grief is being experienced as a result of awakening to the realities of systemic racism in our country and witnessing firsthand the inequities that people of color face. Many people have begun to face the loss of the ideal that our country, our laws, and our leaders are fair to everyone regardless of race, background, or religion. Others have lost relationships or have strained relationships with friends and family due to differences in beliefs or ideals. Still others may be grieving the loss of the ideal that our country is not susceptible to the same problems, difficulties, and challenges faced by people and governments from around the world.
Over the past year, many people have lost jobs, careers, homes, relationships, stability, hobbies, family members, friends, ideals, hopes, dreams, and much more. Grief is a natural and healthy reaction to loss. Grief may feel like sadness, loss of control, anger, uncertainty, anxiety, or overwhelm (Kubler-Ross, 1964). No one likes feeling grief. Thank goodness that our sad and difficult emotions feel pretty yucky or we may be okay with feeling them all of the time. When we feel these difficult emotions, it is a signal to us to pay attention and to honor the emotions.
So, how do we honor grief? First, we have to acknowledge our feelings of grief. Labeling our emotions has a profound impact. Putting words to our visceral and lived experience validates these experiences as real. Emotions are always valid, even if they don’t make sense. Labeling our emotion and validating it allows us to look it square in the face and make a mindful decision about what to do with the emotion. Sometimes, the only thing to “do” about an emotion is to feel it. Like a tide in an ocean, it will come and it will go, and we can radically accept this as part of life. Other times, our grief may encourage us to act. For example, if I am grieving the loss of connection, I may decide to reach out to friends or family for some connection and conversation.
One of the things I teach my patients, that I have to constantly practice myself, is accepting that even if we are engaging in the best self-care, surrounding ourselves with great supports, and using all of the best skills and tools that we have, we may still experience strong and difficult emotions, including grief. These emotions will not last forever, but we don’t get to self-care our way out of it or bypass the emotions that are inconvenient or difficult to manage. In popular culture, self-care and mindfulness are too often touted as an expressway to contentment, peace, and balance. We can use these tools to manage our emotions and be skillful in caring for ourselves, but it does not take away the very real emotions that we naturally experience in reaction to our life circumstances and our sociocultural and environmental stressors.
This may sound a little bleak. Luckily, research shows us that genuine connection to others and having at least one other person that we feel supported by is helpful in reducing our suffering and increasing our ability to effectively manage our emotions. When we feel supported, our emotions feel more manageable and we realize that we are not in this alone. By talking to supportive others and sharing our emotions, we can experience connection and assurance that we can get through the grief together.
Here are a few things to consider to manage grief effectively:
Limit exposure to social media or disconnect from social media for a period of time.
Limit exposure to news. Set a time limit for how long you are reading the news. Ensure that you are consuming reputable, primary source verified news.
Move your body daily. Move in enjoyable ways – dance around your kitchen, take a walk around your neighborhood, do yoga, go on a hike. Get outside and get some sunlight, if you can.
Eat a variety of regular meals and snacks throughout the day.
Limit use of alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant, and while you may feel good in the moment, over time, it will contribute to more depression.
Speak to supportive friends or family on a regular basis. Open up and be honest about ways that you are struggling. You will be surprised at how your family or friends may be able to relate to you and feel supported by you, just by you opening up about your experience.
Get good sleep. When we are grieving, you may need more sleep than usual. Allow for more time to sleep than you usually need.
Go to therapy or join a therapy group. A little extra support and skills may be just what is needed at this time.
Despite all of the current difficulties, we will get through this together. Luckily humans are quite resilient and capable of managing even the most difficult circumstances and emotions. Grief is a part of being human and we all will experience it multiple times in our lives. How we manage our grief, and what we learn from grief, can help us move forward into a better future for ourselves and generations to come.
If you need to talk to someone about your grief, please call The Evidence Based Practice of Nevada at 702-508-9181.
Resources
Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth. (2014). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner; 1st Edition.