Michelle Janeo, B.A.
Pre-degree Couples and Family Therapy Intern (2022)
Conflict is an inevitable and natural process in all human relationships. Oftentimes, couples will come into therapy with the primary concern of wanting to work on “communication issues,” a valid and noble goal! However, when we begin to peel back the layers of what this may mean, I often discover a richer definition of the misalignment or misunderstanding that occurs between and within partnered individuals.
Conflict Has A Bad Reputation
Each of us has subjective worldviews that are intertwined with origin stories about our family, cultural, or religious practices, and prior experiences from our relational history that shape our identity. These factors influence how we show up in our current romantic relationships. Discord arises because there are competing needs and expectations from one another. Simply put, we are different from each other. Conflict may arise when we are attempting to express a need or desire, communicate the crossing of a boundary, express a difference in values, discuss financial insecurity, or when we experience work or family stress. Conflict often feels uncomfortable. Sometimes it is purely anxiety-provoking or painful. However, when we begin to slow things down and begin to look deeper inside ourselves, we find an abundance of opportunities to transform disagreements into something that is constructive and beneficial for our relationship.
What do Different Conflict Patterns Look Like?
In the book, The High-Conflict Couple, by Dr. Alan Fruzzetti uses the framework of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to shed light on strategies that have been shown to be effective and useful when couples enter into conflict. DBT was created by Marsha Linehan as a treatment modality to help individuals who struggle with suicidal ideation, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty with interpersonal relationships. Her work and research has provided clinicians with valuable insight into how emotional regulation is a significant skill set to teach individuals as a means to support them when they feel overwhelmed or out of control (Linehan, 1993). The first step for couples in working on better communication skills, is to understand the four different types of patterns we may engage in when distressed or locked in a disagreement with one another. I will break down the main themes that the author describes in the book and how each of these patterns manifests in relationships.
Constructive Engagement Pattern
Have no fear, conflict is here! Couples that have the ability to bravely embrace the uneasiness of an argument behave in a way that represents more of a curious stance about the problem and their partner's perception of it. As individuals, they are able to express their concerns in the moment as it is happening and tolerate any distress that comes up. Although they may not come to a resolution or solution, it does not destroy all the love and trust that has been created. These couples do not give conflict the power to transform the problem into a threat to their partner or the relationship. They are able to recognize they are on the same team working with one another to address the problem or issue that arises rather than blaming each other for what is happening.
Mutual Avoidance Pattern
The phrase “out of sight, out of mind” is a mantra these couples inherently practice when they are locked into this pattern. I would add “but not out of the heart” to the statement because although there are no verbal words exchanged, we are never not communicating. While outward conflict may not be present for this couple, the negative cognitions and emotions still exist in their internal world which can show up in our nonverbal cues. For a couple stuck in this type of pattern, avoidance becomes a strategy to cope with the intensity of emotions that come with interacting with each other because engaging in a conversation dysregulates both partners. This leads to a reluctance or hesitation to address any perceived issues in the relationship. Ultimately, this strategy erodes intimacy leading one or both partners to begin feeling disconnected from their partner and the distance in the relationship.
Destructive Engagement Pattern
In this arena, both partners have a sense of being grounded and calm when entering the conversation with one another. Yet, their emotional regulation skills are put to the test. When the challenge arises and escalates into discord, each individual’s battle mode becomes activated resulting in swords and shields being drawn out against each other. There are aspects of invalidation, fearfulness, and disharmony that sometimes lead to ruptures and hurt in the relationship. When the tension escalates so does the retaliation against one another. Although this may not be the case in their normal interactions, when an argument occurs it tends to send these couples over the edge.
Engage-Distance Pattern
For visualization purposes, when you think about this style of conflict, imagine the early 90’s cartoon series Tom and Jerry. The entire show is based on the premise of these two characters provoking and chasing after each other. Their roles are dependent on each other to play into this style. Let’s say partner A attempts to confront the other with a concern about finances. Partner B reacts to this by noticing that they need to escape, so they remove themselves from the conversation (sometimes a defensive strategy). Partner A will attempt to go after their partner in response to their absence. If one were to quit pursuing or chasing the other, then the entire dynamic dissolves. Envisioning what this looks like could make one’s head spin. Imagine what couples trapped in this cycle must feel like! Underlying this pattern are negative emotions (fear/anger/betrayal) that sit at the center of these individuals. Interactions with each partner are often fueled by judgments about the other person.
An Open Invitation From A Couples Therapist
The quality of our romantic and intimate relationships can have a significant impact on our overall health and sense of self. Although conflict can at times be constructive, it can be painful to navigate when in the heat of the moment. When our style of conflict becomes a pattern, our reactions can be automatic, which can make us feel out of control or powerless to change anything.
My role as a couples therapist is to provide a safe, non-judgmental, space where the couple is able to explore all these nuances and layers of themselves and their relationship. I would like to extend the invitation to those of you reading this to challenge your beliefs about disagreements being a destructive force and extend the invitation to learn new ways to improve communication, emotional regulation, and accurate empathy and validation skills that will transform the dynamic between you and your partner. Ultimately, being able to support you and your partner to skillfully navigate arguments in service of the relationship.
If you are feeling open and courageous enough to make the first step in attending couples therapy please contact our Clinical Executive Director, Sarah Restori, at 702-508-9181 to schedule a consultation or intake session.
References:
Fruzzetti, A. E. (2019). The high-conflict couple: A dialectical behavior therapy guide to finding peace, intimacy & validation. Echo Point Books & Media.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. The Guilford Press.