Whitney Owens, PsyD
Owner, Licensed Psychologist
Striving for perfection and success is a natural human desire. Performing well and to the best of our abilities is a noble pursuit! After all, we cheer on the Olympian who trains hard to go on to break the world record. We admire those who persevere and study hard to achieve good grades and become the valedictorian. I personally enjoy when I’ve been able to deliver the perfect analogy that helps a concept land for one of my patients. Getting things right, doing them well, and being rewarded for hard work can be a genuinely wonderful part of life.
But what about when we take things too far? What happened when instead of feeling rewarded, we continually feel stressed and chronically dissatisfied in life? If this sounds like you, you may be experiencing unhealthy perfectionism. Unhealthy perfectionism leads to creating unrealistic, potentially impossible goals, and results in feeling significant levels of distress when we don’t meet those goals(8). Those who experience unhealthy perfectionism tend to feel more exhausted when pursuing challenging goals, whereas healthy perfectionists are energized by their pursuits(3). Why might this be? Research suggests that when we work hard without fear of failure, the focus on the effort is for learning or achievement, versus a focus on avoiding failure(9).
In a 2017 study on perfectionism, Curran and Hill break perfectionism down into three distinct categories: Self-Oriented Perfectionism, Socially Prescribed Perfectionism, and Other-Oriented Perfectionism(2). Self-Oriented Perfectionism is when one “attaches irrational importance to being perfect, hold unrealistic standards for themselves, and are punitive in their self-evaluations.”(8) If you are a self-oriented perfectionist, you may make impossibly high goals for yourself, even if others do not have these standards for you. And it is likely that you experience a tremendous level of negative self-talk, and perhaps even self-hatred.
Socially Prescribed Perfectionist believe that their “social context is excessively demanding, that others judge them harshly, and that they must display perfection to secure approval.”(8) If you identify with this kind of perfectionism, you may place undue importance on pleasing others around you, even if they are not demanding perfection from you, or expecting for you to conform to their preferences. However, it is important to ensure that your environment is not, in fact, toxic, and creating unrealistic demands.
The final category is Other-Oriented Perfectionism, which happens when the perfectionist “imposes unrealistic standards on those around them and evaluate others critically.”(8) If you identify with this kind of perfectionism, you may be highly critical of those around you, and have impossibly high standards that are difficult for others to meet. This may look like you expecting others to behave as you do, or respond to you as you would for them. This can be painful for both the perfectionist, as well as for others around them. The perfectionist may consistently feel disappointed by others, and others may feel burdened by the excessively high expectations placed on them by the perfectionist.
Is it possible to fit into more than one category of perfectionism? Absolutely. We can simultaneously hold ourselves to impossible standards, while believing that others hold us to those standards, and intentionally or unintentionally hold others to those same impossible standards. So, what do I need to do to fix my perfectionism right away?
To begin, you are not broken, and there is nothing to fix. In fact, compulsive striving to fix our problems may actually be a form of perfectionism(6). Ok, so then you may ask yourself, should I just ignore it and pretend it isn’t there? Well, then you may be avoiding, which is another potential symptom of perfectionism. Unhealthy perfectionists may either work harder to fix a problem when faced with failure (even if they see that success may not be possible), or they may bury their head in the sand, pretending that the problem doesn’t exist(6). Both strategies result in avoidance of receptivity and openness, flexible control, and connection with others, which are essential elements in psychological health(6).
If you are feeling frustrated, take a deep breath, raise your eyebrows, and smile with your lips closed(6). There are evidence-based ways to reduce unhealthy perfectionism, and live a happy life with reasonable expectations of yourself and others. You didn’t become a perfectionist overnight, and it will take some time to learn strategies to develop a healthy relationship with yourself and your perfectionism.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) may be a great place to start to work on identifying your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that reinforce your unhealthy perfectionism. You may work with your therapist on identifying how thoughts such as “I’m not a good enough person without my accomplishments” or emotions such as chronic shame may contribute to your unhealthy perfectionism. You and your therapist may identify behaviors and valued goals that may challenge your perfectionism and allow you to find more flexibility.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) may also be helpful if you have tried CBT, but did not find it useful in decreasing your perfectionistic thinking. ACT incorporates mindfulness strategies that may help you begin to observe your thoughts, while making choices on how you respond to these thoughts based on your own valued goals(4). For more information on ACT, see Dr. Fertel’s blog on ACT titled, “Our Thoughts: Are They All Powerful? Or Powerless?”
Lastly, Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (RO-DBT) may be a good fit for you if your unhealthy perfectionism has resulted in you feeling lonely and isolated from others. RO-DBT incorporates elements of CBT, as well as specific skills and strategies for reducing overly perfectionistic thinking, feeling, and behaving. RO-DBT incorporates having fun and prioritizing learning as a central part of the therapy(6). This helps us perfectionists let go of having to be perfect, and learn how to find enjoyment in equal measure to success.
Many perfectionists find that they suffer with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and may even experience suicidal thoughts(3,5). If you experience any of these mental health concerns, you may want to identify whether you experience unhealthy perfectionism that may be contributing to your suffering. Additionally, perfectionism doesn’t only impact your mental health, it can also have deleterious effects on your physical health(7). Perfectionist may experience greater health problems including migraine headaches, chronic pain, gastrointestinal distress, and high blood pressure.
If you believe that you may experience unhealthy perfectionism, we can help. If you would like to schedule a session to speak with a provider at The Evidence Based Practice of Nevada, please call us at 702-508-9181.
References:
American Psychological Association. (2018, November 1). Stress effects on the body. https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/body
Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429.
Dunkley D.M., Zuroff D.C., Blankstein K.R. (2003). Self-critical perfectionism and daily affect: dispositional and situational influences on stress and coping. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 84(1):234-52.
Hayes, S. C. (2005). Get out of your mind and into your life. New Harbinger Publications.
Hewitt P.L., Flett G.L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 60:456–470.
Lynch, T. R. (2018). Radically open dialectical behavior therapy: Theory and practice for treating disorders of overcontrol. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Danielle S. Molnar, Stan W. Sadava, Gordon L. Flett & Jennifer Colautti (2012) Perfectionism and health: A mediational analysis of the roles of stress, social support and health-related behaviours, Psychology & Health, 27:7, 846-864
Pryor, J. (2022). Pushing back on perfectionism: How to be happily imperfect. NU-MAC. Retrieved November 12, 2022, from https://counseling.northwestern.edu/blog/maladaptive-perfectionism-coping-strategies/
Stoltz, K., & Ashby, J.S. (2007). Perfectionism and lifestyle: Personality differences among adaptive perfectionists, maladaptive perfectionists, and nonperfectionists. The Journal of Individual Psychology,63(4), 414–423